


saudade

by Feyre



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Canon Divergence - Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route, M/M, Red String of Fate, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25319221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feyre/pseuds/Feyre
Summary: The bitter emotion first coats his heart like sticky toffee on the roof of his palette.Glorious service to the kingsounds more like a death penalty. There’s a letter in his hands, salty tears on his lips, but he thinks that if he wills it hard enough, it will all go away.a study on emotions through felix's pov.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	saudade

**Author's Note:**

> not a chronological timeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited. i'm also bad at tagging, so please let me know if i've missed anything.

It is easy, he thinks, to learn how to hate.

It runs like poison coursing through his veins, lighting fire upon oil. 

The bitter emotion first coats his heart like sticky toffee on the roof of his palette. _Glorious service to the king_ sounds more like a death penalty. There’s a letter in his hands, salty tears on his lips, but he thinks that if he wills it hard enough, it will all go away.

It doesn’t. 

Felix watches as Rodrigue weaves words of honour and then pretends this is what they are meant to do, this is how they are meant to die.

_He’s wrong, he’s wrong, he’s wrong._

Dimitri returns as a changed man. There is a monster that lurks underneath pale skin. Suddenly, the innocent boy that breaks spears and hearts with an accidental clench of his hands and apologises with a shy laugh and a nervous rub to the back of his neck is no longer human. There's a bloodthirstiness that lurks underneath, haunted eyes that watches Felix but seems to see someone else entirely. 

_Why is he the only one that notices it?_

It is easier to hate, when he pretends the boy that stands before him is no longer a friend, not a stranger, but a monster. 

✦

Despair, on the other hand, comes difficult. It seeps into him slowly, like water trickling into his lungs, drop by drop. Unnoticeable at first, until it feels as if he is drowning with every breath he takes, water rattling in his lungs as his own body betrays him.

Sylvain, who slays his own brother cloaked in a monstrous form. Oh, if only Margrave Gautier loved his own like Sylvain loved his brother. It is a terrible battle to behold, They catch eyes as Sylvain yanks the bloody lance from Miklan’s grip. Even in death, the disowned Gautier holds tightly onto the power and prestige he’ll never have. _Hasn’t changed even in death, I suppose,_ Sylvain quips, flashing a bright smile at his closest companion. Felix knows what the world will never see: hidden tears and a shattered heart for a brother that’s never loved him.

Felix aches for him instead.

Brave Byleth, who falls down the edge of the cliff, a kind heart that leads him straight to his demise. Their beloved professor, who fall, fall, _falls_ into inexistence. The scream of fear is not from the man himself, but from the people around Felix. He belatedly realises, as they reconvene in despair, that his throat is sore because he too, had been screaming. 

Edelgard von Hresvelg. Who does she think she is, to declare her cause so righteous that she would create an ocean of blood in pursuit of her ambitions? An empire built upon bones stacked on bones. She's stolen their youth, raging war upon a generation that has yet to stake their claim on the world. 

Proud, proud Lysithea, whom he fell with a merciful stab to her chest. It is the first in a long while that he feels his fingers trembling upon the hilt of his sword. He watches blood pool beneath his feet, pale like the fading light in her eyes. _Remember me,_ she whispers with her dying breath, and the sweets he had consumed the night before suddenly taste like bile in Felix’s mouth. 

_The Crown Prince has been executed._ The message comes as a hurried missive, frantic knocking against the gates of the Fraldarius manor. Dimitri, Dima, the boar, the Crown Prince of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, slain by the hands of those that had once vowed to protect him. He watches as his father breaks down, the loss of another son that Felix can never replace. He watches the letter gently flutter in his hands, and feels the empty chasm within his chest yawn ever wider. 

_Stand up,_ he wants to say. _Stand up,_ he wants to cry, shout, scream. There is carnage before his eyes, burning Earth and heavy smoke that glazes the insides of his lungs. There is a king, who hunches his back like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulder. There is a father, pierced on a spear like skewered meat. 

✦

There is happiness too - but rare, ever fleeting, ephemeral in the touches it graces upon them. They have been at war for five long years, but even the goddess is not cruel enough to deny them respite. 

Finding their fallen king in the ruins of Garreg Mach: feral down to his very bones, he haunts the cathedral like a vengeful ghost. Felix discovers him first, trailing the tracks of dead Imperials and bandits and hushed stories of a prowling beast on its hunt. “Boar,” he speaks, eyes upon hunched back and bloody lance. A singular eye peers out at him.

The reemergence of their Professor, in this ever-suffocating war that the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus has been steadily losing. He comes like the languid rise of the sun, inspiring tentative hope - but it is hope, nonetheless - upon the soldiers of the Church and Kingdom. The dying flames of faith suddenly sparks and dances until it roars brightly, as they begin to push back against the Empire step by step, battle by battle, land by land. 

Annette’s sweet hums as they draft plans in the council room. She is no Manuela, she is no Dorothea, but her voice has matured beautifully - _she_ has matured beautifully. 

The slow reconstruction of Garreg Mach, a comfort that not all is lost, and a reminder that with time, all wounds will heal. Debris will be cleared, walls rebuilt, and soon, a new generation of students will come in. And what a day that will be, when Fódlan finally walks hand in hand with peace. 

A shock of bright orange hair, like a marigold on a warm summer day: “I am Ferdinand Von Aegir,” the man speaks. There is an army of lances held against his neck. The trembling of his palms, open in an invitation, juxtapose his measured voice, “And I have come to offer my allegiance to the Kingdom.”

✦

Hope. Anticipation. Relief. 

Perhaps there are no words to describe the emotion he feels.

The tip of Areadbhar gleams in the light that streams through the shattered rose window. His kind, soft-hearted King, who extends an olive branch to his wayward sister. Edelgard’s ghastly form is gone. All that remains are the shattered dreams of a fallen empress, broken crown placed upon a broken heart. _Come_ , Dimitri whispers. _Together, we can change the destiny of our empires._

The king receives a response in the form of a deadly swing of a dagger; Felix chokes on his breath, lunges forward -

The sharp ring of metal pierces through the air, and Felix is distinctly reminded of soft chimes dancing on spring’s breeze so many years ago. War ends with the sound of blade meeting flesh: the stuttered gasp of a dying breath that ends with a fermata written above silence. 

Blood drips languidly down the altar. 

The invisible hand around his neck loosens its deathly grip. 

Felix feels as if he can finally breathe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in regards to the pairing tag: i was thinking about writing on the topic of love for both dimitri & felix and sylvain & felix but i'm not quite sure yet. i've already written the latter, but considering how what i've already written seems to orbit around dimitri, it'd feel odd to not write about dimitri and felix instead. so i was thinking about posting both - in a sort of "choose your own ending" kind of way - but perhaps that'd be too confusing. let me know what you guys think?
> 
> ty for reading; please leave comments/kudos if you've enjoyed it ♥

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter.](http://twitter.com/feyyre)   
>  [carrd.](https://feyre.carrd.co)


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